I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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