I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Houston, we have a blender
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
