i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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