I accidentally burped into my bong.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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