Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
