when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
