The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
