I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
