saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today