i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS