I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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