my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
