my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
