I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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