im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
