You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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