Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
