you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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