I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
