my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
