my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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