i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
