is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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