I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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