Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
