Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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