i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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