I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
