capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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