Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
