fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
