I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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