apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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