he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
