I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
