My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize