I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
