The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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