She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
