hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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