i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
