How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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