god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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