I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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