I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
