i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
