I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
