I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
