I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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