I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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