bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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