Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
