k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
