his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
