It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon