When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
