He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
