This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
