His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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