I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
