I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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